I have literally been overcome lately with a sense that death is at my backdoor and I must do something about it. I can no longer sit and wait for things to change, I must do something and I must do it quickly before I run out of time.
- I must go see my parents right away and I need to visit more often.
- I need to spend more time with my sister.
- I need to change my future. Job. Money. Debt.
- I need to write advanced directives, and a will.
- I need to eat better, much better. And damn it, exercise Shannon. Take fricking care of yourself.
- What is going on with my IRA? Figure it out.
- Stop spending a fortune on health insurance. You can research it more, you can find something better.
- Stop being miserable in a job. Find a job that makes you happy. Other people have done it, you can do it to. There is absolutely no reason you can't make money from a job that makes you happy.
- Go out and enjoy life. Stop cooping yourself up in the house when there are friends out there and life is out there.
I know this all sounds morbid. I have literally been losing sleep at night with anxiety. I feel like if I don't make a change soon I will run out of time. I know how I am. I HATE change, I DESPISE it. But if I don't do something now, while I'm willing to make the changes, then what will happen? I know I won't die tomorrow. But will I die eventually and look back and regret things? I know some of those things on my list are small, petty - advanced directives, will. I mean, probably not even necessary. What I should have on that list is BABY. I mean, that biological clock isn't going to run forever.
I know I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way. I look at many of my friends who are in their 30s with kids, a beautiful home, jobs that are at least paying the bills. I'm so happy for them. I know they have their issues too, by no means am I comparing sob stories. I just feel like 35 came so quickly and I have nothing to show for it. No house, no family, no awesome job, lots of debt though! :)
Maybe it's not the death that's hitting me hard, maybe it's just the age, maybe I'm going through a mid-thirties crisis. Does that exist? Whatever it is, it sucks.
I get what you are saying. I swing between sheer panic attacks to oh well, my time is up. 53, no kids, not married, no friends or family near by and so poor can't look left or right. I'll start thinking there is no point in my life and pretty much failed at it. Pretty bleak. HOWEVER, it was close to your age I began to identify things that I was passionate about and it is those things that keep me going. Two pieces of advice people gave me were "trust your instincts" and "GO". The biggest hurdle seems to be getting over our fear. Also "what is the worse that can happen?" and you know family wouldn't let us live on the streets! So I began to chant "go" in my head even though my choices were risky and may not follow what would be consider a typical life with 2.5 kids and a picket fence.
ReplyDeleteYou have plenty of time. GO! Even though I'm struggling right now, I can't see myself having done it any other way. And when it works I feel great. This isn't a crisis you are going through but an awakening!! GO!
P.S. At age 37 I wrote a whole CD of music that was played on the radio stations internationally and featured in guitar player magazine. Only six years ago at age 47 I started making art and became a professional artist in magazines and galleries. At age 49 bought a house by myself. See, I was a late bloomer..GO!
ReplyDeleteThank you Aunt Cathy!!
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