"Pressure Pushing Down On Me"

Thank you Queen. "Under Pressure," that's how I feel. Constantly. And it's always pressure I put on myself. I know I'm not the only one who does this.

I keep an ongoing list of personal things to accomplish, work tasks, TV shows to watch, music to listen to, movies to watch... I could list more of my lists but it would get embarrassing. Then there are the items that aren't on the lists I keep - the goals in my head. The events on the calendar. My life is one word... Commitment. And every commitment I must keep. If I don't, I fail.

Why do I fail? Because I have this notion in my head that I must succeed at everything I do, I must do it all perfectly and I must DO IT ALL. So I over commit myself and then make myself do everything I've committed to. And when I get tired? It's a sign of weakness. If my body or my mind reach the point of exhaustion it means that I'm weak. I can't do the things I SHOULD. You didn't go to meditation class last night because you were tired? Unacceptable! You didn't do your C25K today? Unacceptable! Being tired makes me feel like I'm depressed. It reminds me of being depressed and not wanting to get out of bed and hiding under the covers.

I've been doing so much for so long, this was bound to happen. I was bound to tire myself out. I know I need to accept it for what it is, let my body and my mind recuperate and I get back to knocking myself out again but it's hard. It's hard because it makes me think... Am I doing too much? What do I want to remove if I am overdoing it? What do I feel OK with not accomplishing now? These are very hard questions for me to answer because I don't like to think this way. I like to think that I can do it all. For me to think about not doing it all is a difficult concept to grasp.

Reminders for myself: don't be disappointed in myself, listen to my body and my mind - give them both what they need, it's OK not to be perfect, it's OK not to get it all done NOW.

So back to Queen....

"Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?"

I need to give love of myself one more chance instead of cracking under the pressure I put on myself...