Life Less Ordinary...

So today I had a breakthrough...I never realized I was afraid of being ordinary.

I was evaluating my intense desire to go to extremes when it comes to work. I realized that this is something I have been doing my entire life. With the exception of a handful of trying times in my life, I have never been happy with just average, everything I have attempted to do I have felt the need to do it to the extreme. K-12 I wanted to get the best grade possible. In Girl Scouts I got the Gold Award but I also wanted to be a leader of various activities and projects. I would join different cliques in school to find out where I would fit best and feel more powerful or have more excitement (especially in high school).

In college I also strove to get A's, I joined a sorority and other clubs on campus. I tried to meet as many people as I could so I could be as social as possible. Later in college I took on leadership roles in some of the clubs...

After college I maintained multiple jobs as well as volunteering and starting graduate school. I would go above and beyond in my full-time job often completing tasks well outside my job duties so that I could move up as quickly as possible. This mind-set has stayed with me to this day and often times has resulted in me being overly stressed and/or disappointed when my work has not been recognized.

Why do I do this? No one has asked me to do any of this and I realize that. It's me that pushes myself and I'm always proud of the hard work I put into things but I'm beginning to recognize the cost it has on myself as well. I think it stems from a couple of things:

1. Always seeing myself as a "nerd" or a "loser" when I was younger. I never fit into the "cool" crowd but I always wanted to be a part of it. I didn't understand what it was about me that made me uncool. I didn't think I was ugly, I didn't do anything weird but I was just classified. As soon as I was classified a "nerd" I always tried hard to measure up to the "cool" kids. Of course I realize now how idiotic that was and I truly feel for kids who go through the same thing currently because I believe it's even harder now than it was for me.

2. Being shy. I can still be shy in certain situations but I've really come out of my shell. However, I still have this belief that there's nothing about me that really stands out. I know deep-down that this isn't true but it's hard sometimes to remove beliefs you have of yourself.

I'm sure there's more but I haven't figured it all out yet. I know this big search for myself that I'm on right now is part of an effort to feel less "ordinary." I want to stand out in some way. It's silly, because I know deep-down I'm not ordinary. No one is ordinary. We all stand out. But I constantly compare myself to those around me and look at the amazing things they do: teach, raise children, write books, improve the environment, make sick people well, and so much more. It makes me want to do more with my life. There's part of me that thinks this is a good thing, it always makes me strive for more. But at the same time, I need to be happy with me as me. And I am! I don't want to give off this impression that I'm miserable with myself, I'm not! I just feel like I'm always wanting more!

I have no doubt I'm not the only person that feels this way. I think it's normal to have these thoughts about yourself (whether you feel ordinary or boring or extraordinary!) and I'm glad I've had this breakthrough today. I think it will force me to make some changes in my behaviors and learn to accept that it's OK to be average sometimes, there's nothing wrong with it! And, I'm going to start telling myself that I'm not ordinary, I'm going to start reminding myself of all the things I do that set me outside the margins of ordinary. :)