So, why can't I stop stressing? My anxiety is so high I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. I stress about EVERYTHING and while this has always been an issue for me, it seems to have become significantly worse.
I'm beginning to think that I have a thyroid issue. I hope I haven't become a hypochondriac and diagnosed myself but I've had lab work done twice since November and my TSH has been high. Much higher than what current research shows is average. I've had the discussion with my doctor but she seems to think it's not an issue. Even after I expressed to her that I had this same issue 15-20 years ago.
All of my symptoms correlate with hypothyroidism: mood swings, anxiety, fatigue, weakness, lowered immune system, problems sleeping. There's more too. With all of the medications I'm already on I don't even know how I could be having these problems.
Instead, when I saw my doctor, she put me back on birth control. She thought that might be the issue. I've been off birth control for over a year. Yes, my periods are worse and I PMS a bit more but I really don't think that's the issue. Now I've been on the damn pill for over a week and I feel even worse.
Yes, I'm going back to see my doctor this Friday. I'm going to insist on a full blood workup of my thyroid. Let's at least rule this out so I feel better. Then we can look at what else may be causing this. Something is wrong.
Yes, I'm Bipolar. I'm anxious. But lately it feels like it's been extreme. I've had a lot of stressors in my life over the past year and a half so maybe that's a contributing factor but I can't imagine it would cause all of this.
They say stress can impact your body in a lot of ways. In the event that it is not my thyroid, how in the hell do I manage my stress so I can be healthy? At this point I'm clueless. I can't afford the things that make me feel better - therapy, acupuncture, massage. I can barely get to yoga class because I'm so tired.
So... stress, it sucks. It's not good for anything. But how come I can't get rid of it?!?!
Showing posts with label anxious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxious. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Saturday, December 26, 2015
"Authentic" Self
I recently had an incredibly intriguing conversation with a coworker who made me question my authentic self. UGH! The conversation was amazing but it left me frustrated, confused and slightly depressed.
When was the last time I had been my "authentic" self? Who was my "authentic" self? Have I ever seen my "authentic" self? I really began thinking about it... Thinking about the things I enjoy most, the intense feelings I get, the desires I have. They scared me. Some of them were fun but others were not quite appropriate by this society's norms. My coworker said it was normal. I felt funny about it. I could accept that might be the "authentic" me. No, the "authentic" me is a superhero who does everything for everyone. It couldn't be right. I know what I want to be.
But alas, I don't think what I "want" to be is who I really am. I think I wear so many masks and I've worn so many masks for SO many years that I have no idea what I really "want" and who I "really" am. What a conundrum. And what a stressor! I'm nearing 40, how have I not figured this out yet?!?!? Is there something wrong with me? Is everyone else being their "authentic" self and I'm the only one that's not? Or is everyone wearing non-stop masks like me - in which case, how sad for all of us. Are we ever happy if we're always wearing masks?
I wear a mask at work so everyone will like me and think I'm capable at what I do. I wear a mask in the car so I won't cuss out other drivers. I wear a mask with my family so they'll see what a good person I've become, despite what I put them through in the past. I wear a mask with my husband so I can keep him happy. I wear a mask with my stepson so I can stay his friend. I wear a mask with my frickin' dog sometimes so that he'll know I love him and I'm not frustrated with him. I wear a mask in therapy. I wear a mask at every doctor's office. I wear a mask literally with every person I know so I can act as expected.
I remember a time (and maybe this had to do with alcohol), when I was silly. I'd do the goofiest things. I'd dance, I'd sing, I'd skip. I was rebellious. I had fun. It's not that I'm not enjoying myself now but where did that person go? Does it happen as you age? You realize these things are no longer acceptable? Crap, acceptable by whom?
The more I thought about this the more anxious I felt. I still feel anxious? Do I want to live like this? But if I don't live like this, what will happen to me? Will I be alone forever? Will everyone hate me? Will people think I'm crazy? Will I not fit in? And then I ask myself - are these things really important to me? I honestly have no clue. This is the first time I've put deep thought into this idea of my "authentic" self. Of course I've touched on it in therapy but I've always avoided it because it scares me.
So, coworker, thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes to this. However, I do not thank you for making me now have to deal with this inner struggle. Shit, who am I kidding? It's a struggle I needed to have eventually, but now, what the hell to do with it?
When was the last time I had been my "authentic" self? Who was my "authentic" self? Have I ever seen my "authentic" self? I really began thinking about it... Thinking about the things I enjoy most, the intense feelings I get, the desires I have. They scared me. Some of them were fun but others were not quite appropriate by this society's norms. My coworker said it was normal. I felt funny about it. I could accept that might be the "authentic" me. No, the "authentic" me is a superhero who does everything for everyone. It couldn't be right. I know what I want to be.
But alas, I don't think what I "want" to be is who I really am. I think I wear so many masks and I've worn so many masks for SO many years that I have no idea what I really "want" and who I "really" am. What a conundrum. And what a stressor! I'm nearing 40, how have I not figured this out yet?!?!? Is there something wrong with me? Is everyone else being their "authentic" self and I'm the only one that's not? Or is everyone wearing non-stop masks like me - in which case, how sad for all of us. Are we ever happy if we're always wearing masks?
I wear a mask at work so everyone will like me and think I'm capable at what I do. I wear a mask in the car so I won't cuss out other drivers. I wear a mask with my family so they'll see what a good person I've become, despite what I put them through in the past. I wear a mask with my husband so I can keep him happy. I wear a mask with my stepson so I can stay his friend. I wear a mask with my frickin' dog sometimes so that he'll know I love him and I'm not frustrated with him. I wear a mask in therapy. I wear a mask at every doctor's office. I wear a mask literally with every person I know so I can act as expected.
I remember a time (and maybe this had to do with alcohol), when I was silly. I'd do the goofiest things. I'd dance, I'd sing, I'd skip. I was rebellious. I had fun. It's not that I'm not enjoying myself now but where did that person go? Does it happen as you age? You realize these things are no longer acceptable? Crap, acceptable by whom?
The more I thought about this the more anxious I felt. I still feel anxious? Do I want to live like this? But if I don't live like this, what will happen to me? Will I be alone forever? Will everyone hate me? Will people think I'm crazy? Will I not fit in? And then I ask myself - are these things really important to me? I honestly have no clue. This is the first time I've put deep thought into this idea of my "authentic" self. Of course I've touched on it in therapy but I've always avoided it because it scares me.
So, coworker, thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes to this. However, I do not thank you for making me now have to deal with this inner struggle. Shit, who am I kidding? It's a struggle I needed to have eventually, but now, what the hell to do with it?
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