I've been debating whether or not I want to write about all of this and share with others. It's taken me three months and I think I'm ready.
In August of this year a new medication was added, Abilify, to enhance my current antidepressant. I was on the medication for almost a full month but I hated it. I was quickly gaining weight and it was affecting my self-esteem. I stopped taking the medication.
When I visited my psychiatrist toward the end of August he put me on a new antidepressant, Fetzima. I quickly went downhill. It was a very scary time. I couldn't function, I was filled with anger and frustration. I was extremely depressed, constantly crying. I had suicidal plans. I would stay up all night, not wanting to sleep.
At the beginning of September I tried to contact my psychiatrist to report my symptoms but my psychiatrist was out of town. I asked if there was another psychiatrist in their office that I could see as it was an emergency. The next day I got a call from the main psychiatrist and he informed me that he could not see me and if I was having these symptoms I should just go to the hospital. All I could think to myself was, "I don't want to go to the hospital. I want you to take me off this medication and fix this." But my psychiatrist's office was unwilling to help.
I saw my therapist that night and once she saw how bad I was she recommended the hospital as well. She said that I could go to Sheppard Pratt and they would do a walk-in evaluation. I may not be admitted, they could possible advise upon my evaluation on a way to proceed - weening me off the Fetzima and putting me on another medication.
I was scared, scared beyond control. All I could do was cry and shake. My wonderful fiance took me to Sheppard Pratt that very night, they evaluated me and determined I should be admitted. I was devastated and scared to my bones. When they walked me up to the ward and my fiancé, Rob, had to leave I had never felt such fear. I had nothing but the clothes I was wearing and I had no idea what to expect.
I was led onto the ward and my fear did not dissipate. I was led from nurse to nurse getting vitals, getting bedding and towels and shown my room. I couldn't eat. I was scared of everyone on the ward. I was scared of sleeping in my room. I was freezing. All I could do was cry.
During the time I was in the hospital, a week, I was lucky to have the support of Rob who would visit me every day and bring me anything I needed. I also had the support of my sister who would visit and my parents who would call daily. I'm not going to lie, the hospital was a very scary place. It's exactly what you would imagine. I didn't feel like I belonged. I felt like I was much better and higher functioning than most of the other patients on the ward. Over time I got to know several of them and I learned that they were all suffering like I was. While I was suffering due to a medication mistake, others were suffering from PTSD, severe manic episodes, severe depression. The most important thing I learned is that they were all just like me. Just trying to get their lives back on track - through medication, therapy and learning about their illness.
In the hospital I was completely taken off the Fetzima. At the end of my visit I was put on a very low dose of Cymbalta until I could see my new psychiatrist. I was given exercises to practice at home to help keep me from becoming overwhelmed. While in the hospital I was diagnosed as Bipolar 2, depression and signs of obsessive compulsive disorder.
While I couldn't wait to get home, leaving the hospital was scary. All of a sudden I was back in the real world. How was I going to cope? When would I be ready to go back to work? Unfortunately, things became even worse.
The day after I got back from the hospital Rob was put on administrative leave. A week later he was terminated from his job, a job that he had worked hard at for 12 years. He was terminated for what I believe were unjust causes. Though he appealed the decision his employer did not have an appeal policy.
The day after Rob lost his job, I lost mine. During the time I was in the hospital Rob maintained contact with my employer as I was very concerned about losing my job. Rob was reassured by both the owner of the company and the VP that my job was secure and it was their hope that I would get better. Upon coming home I had reached out to my supervisor but was informed that they thought it was in my best interest (?) and the company's best interest. They felt it would be best that I did not work at a job that made me sick. They also cited that they could no longer afford to keep me on staff though they had just given me a raise a month earlier. I was extremely hurt by this. I had been working for my employer off and on for 9 years via various companies. He was very aware of the struggles I dealt with and had always supported me. I was devastated that they could get rid of me so easily.
It has been almost 2 months since Rob and I lost our jobs. I'm happy to say that the struggle we've gone through has brought us very close, we're very good at supporting each other. I'm proud to say that Rob has worked so hard to apply for several, several jobs though none have panned out. I'm also proud to say that I have also applied to close to 30 jobs though none have panned out either. Rob puts in very long hours at $8.50 an hour at what was his former part-time job so he can continue to provide child support to his son. The checks are small but they are something.
We're scared, we're worried. Unfortunately in the time since I left the hospital I have not been able to focus on the personal things I need to work on to get better. My medication has been altered several times since I've left and I'm feeling better but I still fall into depressions, I become extremely exhausted easily. The side effects of the medication have also been difficult to deal with. I know that I need to work on myself and many of the fears and traits that I have which hold me back. I haven't felt that I can concentrate on these things with our limited finances and stress of finding jobs.
Mental illness is a true disease that I wish more people would take seriously. There are several of us that struggle with mental illness on a daily basis. We need support, we need hugs, we need help.
This has been my life over the past few months. I'm trying to stay positive but sometimes it is hard.
In the meantime, if anyone knows of any job openings, I'm open to suggestions! :)
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Friday, November 14, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Vent
I have been trying to post a blog for over a week now about all the thoughts/emotions/frustrations inside my head. Every time I start to write something, I struggle with eloquently putting into words what I'm truly feeling. So, here's my third try. I'm going to try to let my mind go free and successfully put in words my thoughts on various subjects that have been nagging at me.
1. Depression/Suicide:
I saw a video blog the other day where the woman posting said that depression is a selfish disease. Also, given the recent death of the talented Robin Williams there has been much more media attention focusing on depression and suicide.
Depression is NOT a selfish disease. Yes, depression can make you focus on the negative, think only of how miserable you are feeling, force you to retreat so you don't interact with others and several other horrible symptoms. But I don't believe that anyone CHOOSES to act this way. Depression is a hard disease to fight, it feels like it overwhelms your entire body, your brain, every part of you, you can feel it in your heart. Yes, there are medications that help and yes there are wonderful therapists that help those of us that struggle. But your system can become immune to the medication, sometimes the medication doesn't work depending on your brain's chemistry. It's a constant battle. I have been battling it since high school, probably earlier than that if I really thought about it. But I didn't start treatment until I was in high school. I will go through months of feeling great, no sign of depression and then I will go through months of feeling miserable. I haven't been able to find that happy middle line yet, and this is after approximately 20 years of intensive treatment and medications.
I know though that when I'm depressed (and even when I'm not), I'm not being selfish. Yes I may retreat inside myself and block others out, yes I may hide under my covers and shirk away my responsibilities but KNOW that I beat myself up every single second for doing these things. Always in my thoughts are: who am I letting down today? what haven't I done today that I really should? who am I inconveniencing today because of how I'm feeling?
Finally, suicide is not selfish. Sometimes that battle within takes over so much of you that you can't fight it anymore. I guarantee that anyone who has committed suicide from depression has thought about how their death with impact those they love. But those dark feelings can become to much to bear, it can feel like a whole you are NEVER going to get out of. I am NOT condoning suicide, I'm not saying that I would commit suicide. What I am saying is I can relate to that hopeless, dark feeling that takes people there.
We need to put less stigma on those who suffer depression/anxiety and learn more about the disease and what it really feels like to be in a depressed person's shoes.
2. Ferguson/Racism
Let me start this off by saying that NO ONE really knows what happened in Ferguson. Yes, you've got eye-witness accounts but as science will show a witness (anybody) sees what they're interpreting, they're seeing what they think they see and they're interpreting it in their own way. It's even showing now that there are VARIOUS witnesses of the Ferguson shooting saying all different things about what happened. None of us are the cop and none of us are the victim, Michael Brown. I feel terrible for any parent's loss of a child and I feel terrible for Michael Brown's family. I also feel bad for families who lose husbands and dads because they were killed on the job. Racism is an ugly word. And it doesn't just apply to blacks, it applies to everyone. Mexicans, Asians, those with disabilities, gays, even whites. If we're going to change racism we need to change the way we think and act, and that starts with ourselves, all of us (black, white, mexican, asian, gays etc. ). Look at how you treat the people around you, look at the assumptions you make. Do it within your own race too. We discriminate people based on the job they have, what they're wearing, who they hang out with. This isn't a cop issue, it's a personal issue that we all need to fix. Now I'm not going to say there aren't bad cops out there, of course there are. But I'd be willing to bet there are more good cops than bad cops. Right now, with this entire Ferguson issue, we're worried about the discrimination against black (and I'm not saying it's not valid) but we're doing the same thing by discriminating against law enforcement. Many are also questioning the force being used by the police officers during the protests taking place in Ferguson. Media is reporting that they're having guns point at them, children are getting tear gassed. Overall, the protesting has not been peaceful. Yes, we have a right to protest. But peacefully. There are people protesting with guns, turning over police vehicles, looting stores. It is law enforcement's responsibility to protect the community. When you have violent looting taking place they're going to have to take action. If you're a peaceful protester and you see this going on, why aren't you leaving? You know the situation has become out of control. Furthermore, why would you go anywhere near a protest with a child? I don't care if you're walking to the store, if you know there is a protest going on that is getting out of hand, go to a different store. Police are trained for various situations and they have a family to go home too as well. And I don't know if we've ever thought about it, but don't you think a police officer is scared at times? Imagine facing a huge group of protesters that HATE you. Can you imagine the fear they must feel? The worry that they might not make it home safely to their families? All sides need to think about everything that's in play. As a general rule I don't think the police are out to get "anyone." They just want to do their jobs and get home safely. Yes, there are going to be police officers who don't have that mentality, just like there are just as many (if not more) in a community that don't have the same values as the rest of us might. They think murdering, robbing, stealing is OK. There are black gangs, white gangs, mexican gangs, it's not just one race. How about this, we are all Americans no matter what our race/ethnicity/sex. We should all be supporting each other and ignoring the color card/the disability card/the sexual card. I don't normally speak up about these types of things but I've seen my FB filled with so many comments I couldn't stay quiet.
And also, as a side note, let's think about the media's role. The media is going to report whatever is going to attract viewers, whether it's the truth or not. This has been the case for years. They know how to strike a cord. And then once you've seen what the media has reported, social media (in all its many forms) blows up. Not everything you read on the Internet or see on the TV is the actual truth, it's a skewed truth.
3. ALSIceBucketChallenge
I've seen many people who have commented on how stupid it seems. You dump ice on your head in order to avoid donating, or celebrities are just dumping ice on their head and they should be donating, they have the money. Honestly, I'm tired of it all. I personally think it's fricking brilliant. Before this started, who could really tell you what ALS was, how many suffered from it, the medications to treat. Probably not many. It's a disease that does not get a lot of attention, and it is awful. This has brought attention and education to many. And I personally hope that everyone that participates donates even just a little to the cause. But if you don't, that's OK. They've raised millions of dollars from this challenge and I couldn't be happier for them. And I hope that everyone who is participating is at least taking the time to learn about it.
I feel like I have so much more I want to say on so many different things but I've vented enough. I have no doubt that this will result in many comments, which I won't lie, I'm a little nervous about. I don't usually put myself out there on national issues, just personal issues! And I've got plenty of personal issues so maybe I should just stick to that!
Regardless, here it goes...
1. Depression/Suicide:
I saw a video blog the other day where the woman posting said that depression is a selfish disease. Also, given the recent death of the talented Robin Williams there has been much more media attention focusing on depression and suicide.
Depression is NOT a selfish disease. Yes, depression can make you focus on the negative, think only of how miserable you are feeling, force you to retreat so you don't interact with others and several other horrible symptoms. But I don't believe that anyone CHOOSES to act this way. Depression is a hard disease to fight, it feels like it overwhelms your entire body, your brain, every part of you, you can feel it in your heart. Yes, there are medications that help and yes there are wonderful therapists that help those of us that struggle. But your system can become immune to the medication, sometimes the medication doesn't work depending on your brain's chemistry. It's a constant battle. I have been battling it since high school, probably earlier than that if I really thought about it. But I didn't start treatment until I was in high school. I will go through months of feeling great, no sign of depression and then I will go through months of feeling miserable. I haven't been able to find that happy middle line yet, and this is after approximately 20 years of intensive treatment and medications.
I know though that when I'm depressed (and even when I'm not), I'm not being selfish. Yes I may retreat inside myself and block others out, yes I may hide under my covers and shirk away my responsibilities but KNOW that I beat myself up every single second for doing these things. Always in my thoughts are: who am I letting down today? what haven't I done today that I really should? who am I inconveniencing today because of how I'm feeling?
Finally, suicide is not selfish. Sometimes that battle within takes over so much of you that you can't fight it anymore. I guarantee that anyone who has committed suicide from depression has thought about how their death with impact those they love. But those dark feelings can become to much to bear, it can feel like a whole you are NEVER going to get out of. I am NOT condoning suicide, I'm not saying that I would commit suicide. What I am saying is I can relate to that hopeless, dark feeling that takes people there.
We need to put less stigma on those who suffer depression/anxiety and learn more about the disease and what it really feels like to be in a depressed person's shoes.
2. Ferguson/Racism
Let me start this off by saying that NO ONE really knows what happened in Ferguson. Yes, you've got eye-witness accounts but as science will show a witness (anybody) sees what they're interpreting, they're seeing what they think they see and they're interpreting it in their own way. It's even showing now that there are VARIOUS witnesses of the Ferguson shooting saying all different things about what happened. None of us are the cop and none of us are the victim, Michael Brown. I feel terrible for any parent's loss of a child and I feel terrible for Michael Brown's family. I also feel bad for families who lose husbands and dads because they were killed on the job. Racism is an ugly word. And it doesn't just apply to blacks, it applies to everyone. Mexicans, Asians, those with disabilities, gays, even whites. If we're going to change racism we need to change the way we think and act, and that starts with ourselves, all of us (black, white, mexican, asian, gays etc. ). Look at how you treat the people around you, look at the assumptions you make. Do it within your own race too. We discriminate people based on the job they have, what they're wearing, who they hang out with. This isn't a cop issue, it's a personal issue that we all need to fix. Now I'm not going to say there aren't bad cops out there, of course there are. But I'd be willing to bet there are more good cops than bad cops. Right now, with this entire Ferguson issue, we're worried about the discrimination against black (and I'm not saying it's not valid) but we're doing the same thing by discriminating against law enforcement. Many are also questioning the force being used by the police officers during the protests taking place in Ferguson. Media is reporting that they're having guns point at them, children are getting tear gassed. Overall, the protesting has not been peaceful. Yes, we have a right to protest. But peacefully. There are people protesting with guns, turning over police vehicles, looting stores. It is law enforcement's responsibility to protect the community. When you have violent looting taking place they're going to have to take action. If you're a peaceful protester and you see this going on, why aren't you leaving? You know the situation has become out of control. Furthermore, why would you go anywhere near a protest with a child? I don't care if you're walking to the store, if you know there is a protest going on that is getting out of hand, go to a different store. Police are trained for various situations and they have a family to go home too as well. And I don't know if we've ever thought about it, but don't you think a police officer is scared at times? Imagine facing a huge group of protesters that HATE you. Can you imagine the fear they must feel? The worry that they might not make it home safely to their families? All sides need to think about everything that's in play. As a general rule I don't think the police are out to get "anyone." They just want to do their jobs and get home safely. Yes, there are going to be police officers who don't have that mentality, just like there are just as many (if not more) in a community that don't have the same values as the rest of us might. They think murdering, robbing, stealing is OK. There are black gangs, white gangs, mexican gangs, it's not just one race. How about this, we are all Americans no matter what our race/ethnicity/sex. We should all be supporting each other and ignoring the color card/the disability card/the sexual card. I don't normally speak up about these types of things but I've seen my FB filled with so many comments I couldn't stay quiet.
And also, as a side note, let's think about the media's role. The media is going to report whatever is going to attract viewers, whether it's the truth or not. This has been the case for years. They know how to strike a cord. And then once you've seen what the media has reported, social media (in all its many forms) blows up. Not everything you read on the Internet or see on the TV is the actual truth, it's a skewed truth.
3. ALSIceBucketChallenge
I've seen many people who have commented on how stupid it seems. You dump ice on your head in order to avoid donating, or celebrities are just dumping ice on their head and they should be donating, they have the money. Honestly, I'm tired of it all. I personally think it's fricking brilliant. Before this started, who could really tell you what ALS was, how many suffered from it, the medications to treat. Probably not many. It's a disease that does not get a lot of attention, and it is awful. This has brought attention and education to many. And I personally hope that everyone that participates donates even just a little to the cause. But if you don't, that's OK. They've raised millions of dollars from this challenge and I couldn't be happier for them. And I hope that everyone who is participating is at least taking the time to learn about it.
I feel like I have so much more I want to say on so many different things but I've vented enough. I have no doubt that this will result in many comments, which I won't lie, I'm a little nervous about. I don't usually put myself out there on national issues, just personal issues! And I've got plenty of personal issues so maybe I should just stick to that!
Regardless, here it goes...
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