The Battles Inside My Head

My therapist recently asked me to describe what is going on in my head throughout the day. I told her that I feel like I'm constantly battling myself. There's a part of me that wants to give in, get under the covers, turn off the lights and not be bothered for days. There's another party of me that keeps pushing and pushing - you must get things done!!!

My Nurtured Self:

The half of me that always feels like throwing in the towel is the part of me that I envision as a tiny baby. All curled into a ball with a soft blanket around her. This baby is a beautiful place in my head where I can give in to everything and not worry about a thing. In fact, because I'm a baby, I'll be cared for in every possible way. I rarely/never let this part of myself win the battles. But I always see it, and it's always appealing.

My Drill Sergeant:

This half of me that is a drill sergeant is demanding, loud, and always wins. The drill sergeant doesn't know how to lose. And if he does lose or feel as though he's lost in any way possible, he doesn't handle it well. He gets angry and feels like less of a person. The drill sergeant is my perfectionist, everything must be done to perfection and thoroughly. There can be no slacking, ever. No down time, ever. If you find yourself without something to do, find something to do (clean the house again, do more laundry, even add to your ongoing list of things to do), just DO. The half of me that likes the drill sergeant knows that I am capable of doing pretty much anything. It knows that I won't give in and I'll push myself to the limits to accomplish it all and make everyone happy.

These two sides of me are constantly in battle. Every time I need to do something, even the littlest thing (fixing coffee in the morning), these two battle. You MUST fix coffee... Really, Shannon, a day without coffee won't kill you and why don't you treat yourself and get some at Panera, it will only take 5 minutes. You MUST answer that work email immediately, within 5 minutes of receiving it so the customer knows you are attentive to them... Shannon, calm down, you've got a lot going on, the customer will understand if it takes you a little while to respond to them.

The drill sergeant always wins. One day (and it's happened before) my inside will crumble. It will no longer be able to handle the drill sergeant and despite the many negative feelings towards myself it will create, I will curl up into a baby ball under my blanket where I'm safe. I will need to rebuild myself for weeks/months so I can stand up to the drill sergeant again.

My goal is to find the median. Where the two can live together. Where the drill sergeant can say, "Oh what a cute baby! Why don't you spend some time with her?" And the baby will kindly tell me, "Why don't you just plan on doing these few things today so you still have time to be with me?" One day this will happen...