Defeat

I don't know how people do it. I see people struggle in their lives for months, years and yet they still put on a happy face and make the best of life. I need to learn this and I'm hoping it will come with (further) aging but I'm beginning to think my brain just needs to be completely re-wired. I don't know how to not fret, stress, worry. I don't know how to just let things be. Instead I carry this humongous weight on my shoulders at all times. We've been struggling for just shy of a year now and it's about to come to a head. We've been finding ways to get through but we're out of clever ideas. I need to just accept it and accept whatever is going to happen but it's hard. I want to fight but I'm too tired. I'm tired of battling and if it's going to come then let it come so I can move on. 

Each month I tell myself, this is going to be the month that things turnaround. Each week, each day I say the same thing. But it hasn't. I know they say to stay positive and positive things will come but it gets to a point where you just feel like you have to give up. I hate defeat but I feel like I'm defeated.