Martyr

Definitions of Martyrdom:

• a display of feigned or exaggerated suffering to obtain sympathy or admiration.

  affliction, torture

  
  

  Definitions of a Martyr:

  :  a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for the sake of principle

  
  

  Am I martyr? Does my idea of Wonder Shannon make me a martyr? By saying that I want to be Wonder Shannon - am I giving up my own happiness? Am I forcing myself to suffer and be unhappy so that I can be Wonder Shannon? Am I looking for sympathy because I try to do so much? 

  
  

  These are HARD questions and I can find truth in all of them thought I don't want to admit it. The hardest one for me to accept is that I am looking for sympathy. I think there's truth to it though. I think I've gotten so used to being miserable that I want someone(s) to admire my strength to persevere and get sympathy for everything I do because it makes me feel wanted. It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel comforted. 

  
  

  WHY do I do this? I don't think I'm mentally aware that the way I conduct my life could make me a martyr. However, now that the question has been posed to me, I can see where it would be true. However, I don't believe I consciously do it. 

  
  

  This is hard to admit. It's embarrassing. Why are all of these things I'm learning about myself so difficult. They're such hard truths to admit about myself.... I don't want to be these things yet I am. What does it mean?

  
  

  I don't think I have the answer to it yet. Well, I might, somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, but I'm not willing to let it come forward.