"Wonder Shannon"

I deal with this at least once a week, usually twice. Overwhelming anxiety. It stops me cold. My heart beats fast, I become depressed, angry. I have a tantrum, I need to cry, I need to throw something. I never know how to make the feeling go away. Some things help but the anxiety still drums in the background. There are days I wake up with it. I feel like I can't control my emotions, my actions. Then I feel like I can't do anything. 

I hold myself to non-human standards. I know this deep-down but I refuse to accept it. I believe that I should be able to do everything. "Wonder Shannon." She works, she cares, she studies, she volunteers, she loves... There's SO much more I'm embarrassed to list it all. I am so disappointed in myself when I don't do it all, when I can't find a way to make everything perfect.

I truly don't know how to cope. I feel as though over the past couple of years it's gotten worse. At this very moment I am anxious. I want to cry but I'm not. I want to yell and throw but I'm not going to. Instead I'm walking very slowly on my treadmill and writing this. I thought it would help but it doesn't. At my current rate of speed my treadmill tells me it will take 42 minutes to walk a mile. Ugh, more disappointment.

It's been a bad year. This is a bad month. It was last year and it's proving to be the same this year. I'm not saying there hasn't been some good over the past year, there definitely has. When I feel like this it's hard for me to see the good.

I have been living with different forms of "this" since I was little, I mean elementary-school-little. 37 years and I still haven't found a successful way to deal with it. 

I still hope.