"Defying Gravity"

Lately I've been struggling. I've been struggling with several aspects of adult life: money, work, balancing work and home, enjoyment. I'm depressed. I feel like I'll never get it right. I've been struggling with these things for as long as I can remember and I still can't figure it out. I'm nearing 40 and I need to make changes. I know anyone who's read my posts can see that this is a common theme for me. I always say I need to make changes and I never actually make them. I'm scared. I'm scared to make the changes I need to make. I'm scared of not succeeding. My fear cripples me. I become so stressed and experience so much anxiety that I feel it's easier to just stay where I'm at. But, that's not working anymore. 

I'm struggling financially. The most I've ever struggled. I am unable to pay bills. I have never, in my life, NOT paid a bill. This scares me. I've never been so negative in my bank account, I've never had my savings wiped clean. There is literally no where else I can turn to find more money. I'm making every effort to find part-time jobs to supplement my financial struggle and I've filed my taxes in hopes that the refund I receive will at last bring me back to positive. I'm scared to death. My finances create so much stress for me and I have a horrible handle on it. I'm so organized, so detail-oriented, and I can't get a handle on my finances. 

I'm beginning to wonder what I'm meant to do. I'm running against walls at my job. I strongly believe in the company I work for but the politics make it so difficult for us to achieve what I believe we should be achieving. This disappoints me. Important issues are left unaddressed and ignored. Money seems to be the driving factor. I want more. I want to feel like I can really make a difference and truly believe in what I'm doing. 

So, I have a plan. Well, a tentative plan. I hope I can make it work and not let my fear overcome me. 

Budget. I've outlined income and expenses. I plan on sitting down with my husband (who is extremely supportive and has taken a job doing something he does not love just to bring in money) and mapping out how we can pay our hefty debt. 
Life Dreams. I want to sit down with my husband and talk about what we really want. What are our hopes and dreams? What do we want for ourselves and how can we make that happen? I want to create a plan. I don't want us to continue to be miserable with "getting by." I want more for us. 

I hope my drive right now to do these things will stick. I hope I don't give hope or lose sight. I hope I don't get too scared and just "carry on" as things are. 

I love the book and show "Wicked." When I think about what I want to do I think about the following lyrics from the song, "Defying Gravity." I want to defy gravity in my life.


"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!"

Read more:  Wicked - Defying Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

"It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!"

Read more:  Wicked - Defying Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

"I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!"

Read more:  Wicked - Defying Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

"So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

Read more:  Wicked - Defying Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

My gravity is myself. I hold myself down. I'm looking for the strength to defy my own gravity and live my life the way I want.