Sooooo... About those resolutions...

Ah, a new year. Time to look forward to the future and identify all the changes you're going to make in your life. I suck at this. Every year I mentally identify resolutions that I'd like to make. I've even written them out at times and I don't think I've succeeded any single year.
Is it me? Is it the resolutions? There's so much pressure!

This is how I feel about the new year (at least how I feel today). It's just another day. Why am I going to celebrate that more time is passing? In addition, my birthday is the 2nd, the day after New Year's. It's just an additional reminder that I am getting old(er). I don't like that reminder. I don't want to get older. I'm not saying I want to go back to high school or even my 20s. Heck, I don't know when I'd want to go back to. But I certainly don't want to get older! All those resolutions I've made for myself over the years that I never accomplished - I'm leaving less time to get them done! Ack!

So, resolutions...

Typical list from me:

1. I'll get a job I love
2. I'll get in shape
3. I'll eat better

I think there are sometimes more but it's funny, every website I look at lists those as the top 5 resolutions for all people. Well, that's not very unique. But I really do want to get in shape and I really do want to eat better. I really do want to love my job.

So what do I do? I have all these great ideas. I can tell you that I'm not going to sit down today and map it all out. I don't know if I'll ever get to it. I hope I will! I hope that I can find a way to make it a priority for myself!

1. Job that I love - learn to love my current job and that starts with me (yikes, that sounds like a lot of work)
2. Get in shape - I could learn to love my body as it is now but I know I could be in better shape. Of course, I should love myself as I am now. But who does? Everyone wants to change themselves. I've tried getting in shape so many times in my life and overall I've realized that I pretty much suck at it. I need a strong motivator to get myself in shape and I'm not sure what it is yet.
3. Eat better - that's a big one. I used to eat decent, now I eat horribly. Probably the worst I ever have in my entire life. I'm about to be the big 3-8 tomorrow and my eating habits are horrible. I pretty much don't eat during the day, then I eat a late dinner and it is always processed. Everything I eat is processed. And I drink a lot of coffee. I also don't drink enough water. Again, a plan I need to put together. If I have a plan, a list, I might actually do it. Of course, the first step might be learning how to cook!
4. Find happiness. I need to find true happiness within me. I have no idea how to do it. I find the worst in everything. I'm a huge negative-nelly. I put on a mask that I'm Miss Positivity but in reality I'm no more than a huge frowny face. My entire body is frowns. I need to fix that.
5. Friends, hobbies, outings... oh my! I need to get myself out of myself. I need to get out of my hole. Find some hobbies, go out and actually DO things! See my friends, make new friends!
6. $$$. I don't have anything more to say about this other than I need a hell of a lot more of it.

So, this post didn't go anywhere near where I wanted it to. I don't even know what I was thinking when I wrote it. That I was overwhelmed by resolutions? That I have no plan to improve for 2016? Damn... I don't feel any better. And by the way, I'm getting one year older tomorrow. :)

Next time, a better more positive post next time!

"Pressure Pushing Down On Me"

Thank you Queen. "Under Pressure," that's how I feel. Constantly. And it's always pressure I put on myself. I know I'm not the only one who does this.

I keep an ongoing list of personal things to accomplish, work tasks, TV shows to watch, music to listen to, movies to watch... I could list more of my lists but it would get embarrassing. Then there are the items that aren't on the lists I keep - the goals in my head. The events on the calendar. My life is one word... Commitment. And every commitment I must keep. If I don't, I fail.

Why do I fail? Because I have this notion in my head that I must succeed at everything I do, I must do it all perfectly and I must DO IT ALL. So I over commit myself and then make myself do everything I've committed to. And when I get tired? It's a sign of weakness. If my body or my mind reach the point of exhaustion it means that I'm weak. I can't do the things I SHOULD. You didn't go to meditation class last night because you were tired? Unacceptable! You didn't do your C25K today? Unacceptable! Being tired makes me feel like I'm depressed. It reminds me of being depressed and not wanting to get out of bed and hiding under the covers.

I've been doing so much for so long, this was bound to happen. I was bound to tire myself out. I know I need to accept it for what it is, let my body and my mind recuperate and I get back to knocking myself out again but it's hard. It's hard because it makes me think... Am I doing too much? What do I want to remove if I am overdoing it? What do I feel OK with not accomplishing now? These are very hard questions for me to answer because I don't like to think this way. I like to think that I can do it all. For me to think about not doing it all is a difficult concept to grasp.

Reminders for myself: don't be disappointed in myself, listen to my body and my mind - give them both what they need, it's OK not to be perfect, it's OK not to get it all done NOW.

So back to Queen....

"Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?"

I need to give love of myself one more chance instead of cracking under the pressure I put on myself...