Depression

Yes, I suffer from depression. And anxiety and who knows what else. It's miserable, it's awful. And most people who claim they understand it really don't unless they've actually experienced it.

Currently I'm going through a terrible "bout." I've gone through my ups and downs my entire life but I haven't experienced one like this since probably college. I've experienced bad ones since college but I've always managed to pull through. I probably haven't pulled through in the best way possible but I've gotten through them. This one is proving more difficult. I don't know if it's because I'm older, I don't know if my medical "cocktail" is off. But this one is tough. I DESPISE admitting to this. I hate for anyone to know what I'm going through except for those closest to me. I hate for anyone to think of me as weak, negative, unable to handle things, unhappy. There are so many other characteristics that I don't want people to associate with me. But the truth is that at this point, people probably do think of me that way. I know I currently think of myself that way. I'm not sure if these are all negative things and now I don't mind sharing it. I think it's important for people to know what goes on in the mind of someone who has depression.

I have no idea how to get out of this umbrella of depression and anxiety. It hangs over me ALL of the time. I go through really good periods. I have really good days. Even now I'll have a really good day and I'll think I'm getting through this and then a bad day will hit me and I'm down for the count. I'm pissed to be honest. I have so much anger at myself that it overcomes me. Why, why, why do I have to be this way? Why do I think the way I do? Why can't I just frickin snap out of it? I recognize when I'm doing something that hurts me or is negative. I just don't know how to stop. For example: yesterday and today. Everything's bad. Everything's negative. I know, deep down, that's not the truth. I know I have so many positive things in my life. I don't know how to make myself see the positive more than the negative. I read book after book on how to see positively. Try to surround myself with quotes and positive thoughts. F-it, it doesn't work! I still end up crying every day. Many people say that depression is chemical. Well, I'm on so many medications that anything chemical should be fixed! How can it not be me?!?! (Moment for clarification: I know a LOT about depression. I KNOW that my meds may need some adjusting, I KNOW that it's not all me and there's some messed up chemicals in me that are contributing but the frustration is OVERWHELMING and I write that in caps so you can fully see how overwhelming it is to me.)

I am so not looking for a pity-party. I've been dealing with this since I was in high school (probably earlier). And I'm working closely with my therapist and psychiatrist. I've considered hospitalization but I'm not Lindsey Lohan or some other celebrity and even a regular hospital on a "psych" ward is going to cost me thousands of dollars with my insurance. I can't imagine if I had the money to go to some fancy rehab and take a break for a couple of weeks (a month!) and get the rest I probably need and get my meds up to par and really cope with what's going on. Not to mention I would need my own personal assistant to keep my bills paid and keep my life from collapsing while I was gone. I just want people to get it. I just want people to understand that I'm not purposely trying to be lazy (I HATE being lazy and it makes me furious with myself that I don't have the energy to do the things that I want or need to do). I'm not purposely avoiding phone calls or emails (I WANT to call you and email you but what am I going to say!?!? I'm miserable?!?? You're going to tell me all the great things going on in your life and I'm barely going to be able to say "Uh huh."). I'm definitely not trying to slack at work. I literally don't have the energy, the will power, the stamina or the guts to put up with some of my work stuff. I will cry if I have to talk to certain customers again. And I HATE that. I don't want that to be me.

I have a vision of myself that is opposite all of the things I am right at this moment. Every now and then I'll get a gust of momentum but it will last maybe half-an-hour and then I'm exhausted. I'm physically and mentally drained. I'll look at everything that is weighing on my shoulders and I'll think to myself, "I simply can't do it." All I want is to curl back under my blanket and hide and sleep. It's comfy there. And if I sleep I won't have to think about how mad I am at myself. I won't have to worry about how this isn't the Shannon I know I can be.

Worst of all, I worry about the people around me. The people who bend over backwards to help me. The people who care about me. I want to be feel better for them too. I worry I'm bringing them down. I worry that me being around them is going to bring them down to my level. Again, I know deep down that is their choice. I worry about all the things these people do for me and I can't give anything back. I can't even show them my happiness. Instead they see more tears, more negativity.

There was that commercial for an antidepressant, Cymbalta, and it had a wooden doll and said, "Depression hurts." I used to laugh at that commercial. I laughed because I was feeling good then. And I'm on the medication!!!!! I'm not laughing now. It does hurt. It's always hurt.

I will never give up. I've always been extremely passionate about mental illness, even when I was feeling good. I'm a fighter. It may not seem like I am right now. But inside, I know I'm fighting. Writing this is a fight. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to stop typing. Just writing this takes immense energy. Everything I do, no matter how simple it may seem is a fight for me. I've gotten through up to now and I'll continue to.

Thank you for reading. :)