Lately I've been struggling. I've been struggling with several aspects of adult life: money, work, balancing work and home, enjoyment. I'm depressed. I feel like I'll never get it right. I've been struggling with these things for as long as I can remember and I still can't figure it out. I'm nearing 40 and I need to make changes. I know anyone who's read my posts can see that this is a common theme for me. I always say I need to make changes and I never actually make them. I'm scared. I'm scared to make the changes I need to make. I'm scared of not succeeding. My fear cripples me. I become so stressed and experience so much anxiety that I feel it's easier to just stay where I'm at. But, that's not working anymore.
I'm struggling financially. The most I've ever struggled. I am unable to pay bills. I have never, in my life, NOT paid a bill. This scares me. I've never been so negative in my bank account, I've never had my savings wiped clean. There is literally no where else I can turn to find more money. I'm making every effort to find part-time jobs to supplement my financial struggle and I've filed my taxes in hopes that the refund I receive will at last bring me back to positive. I'm scared to death. My finances create so much stress for me and I have a horrible handle on it. I'm so organized, so detail-oriented, and I can't get a handle on my finances.
I'm beginning to wonder what I'm meant to do. I'm running against walls at my job. I strongly believe in the company I work for but the politics make it so difficult for us to achieve what I believe we should be achieving. This disappoints me. Important issues are left unaddressed and ignored. Money seems to be the driving factor. I want more. I want to feel like I can really make a difference and truly believe in what I'm doing.
So, I have a plan. Well, a tentative plan. I hope I can make it work and not let my fear overcome me.
Budget. I've outlined income and expenses. I plan on sitting down with my husband (who is extremely supportive and has taken a job doing something he does not love just to bring in money) and mapping out how we can pay our hefty debt.
Life Dreams. I want to sit down with my husband and talk about what we really want. What are our hopes and dreams? What do we want for ourselves and how can we make that happen? I want to create a plan. I don't want us to continue to be miserable with "getting by." I want more for us.
I hope my drive right now to do these things will stick. I hope I don't give hope or lose sight. I hope I don't get too scared and just "carry on" as things are.
I love the book and show "Wicked." When I think about what I want to do I think about the following lyrics from the song, "Defying Gravity." I want to defy gravity in my life.
"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!"
Read more: Wicked - Defying Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics
"It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!"
Read more: Wicked - Defying Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics
"I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!"
Read more: Wicked - Defying Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics
"So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"
Read more: Wicked - Defying Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics
My gravity is myself. I hold myself down. I'm looking for the strength to defy my own gravity and live my life the way I want.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Friday, September 11, 2015
2:15 AM
So, you know those people that have trouble sleeping? I'm one of them. Unless it's the weekend. Sunday - Thursday though, I'm too anxious to fall asleep. Tonight is slightly different. I got home from work a little after 8pm (after getting there at 7:45am) and still had a million work projects to get completed. I have been behind for weeks and I'm desperately trying to catch up. So, I just finished. I got as much done as I could without being able to use my LogMeIn app. Of course I'll have more to do tomorrow but I really don't want to have to work this weekend. At this point I'm wondering if I just stay up? I have to get up really early tomorrow morning to stop at the store and get a special treat for one of my staff that is leaving. OR do I try to fall asleep for less than 4 hours? Ugh, I don't know. I'm afraid if I go to sleep I won't be able to wake up (daily problem) and then I'll be running late in the morning, which I hate.
So, let's be grateful, because that's what I'm forcing myself to be...
Work:
1. There may be a position opening up in a few months that I'm very interested in!
2. That two of my clients didn't follow through on punching me or killing me.
3. That I was able to move my desk just for the day and sit to do my work.
Life:
1. That no one close to me, especially a child, has been diagnosed with cancer. I feel like it's all I hear about and when it comes to children, it breaks my heart. (Of course it breaks my hear for everyone!)
2. That my husband's prospects are looking promising for a new job!
3. Having a good book to read. Always a dilemma, I can stay up reading too, and I'm so close to the end!
So, let's be grateful, because that's what I'm forcing myself to be...
Work:
1. There may be a position opening up in a few months that I'm very interested in!
2. That two of my clients didn't follow through on punching me or killing me.
3. That I was able to move my desk just for the day and sit to do my work.
Life:
1. That no one close to me, especially a child, has been diagnosed with cancer. I feel like it's all I hear about and when it comes to children, it breaks my heart. (Of course it breaks my hear for everyone!)
2. That my husband's prospects are looking promising for a new job!
3. Having a good book to read. Always a dilemma, I can stay up reading too, and I'm so close to the end!
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Real Life
Real life is hard. I've come to this reality not recently but it seems it's become harder so I'm facing it again.
I have been very lucky to recently marry a wonderful man and I feel blessed to have met him and now married him. I am so excited to have him as my life partner. He treats me wonderfully and while we struggle with life situations, we have a strong bond that allows us to work through our struggles.
We were both laid off in September and while he is still trying to find a permanent job he immediately jumped into a formerly part time job as full time so he could take care of his son. He knew how important it was to be able to provide for his son - provide insurance and child support.
We have been going through a very nasty child support battle with his ex and I can only hope that it will turn out in our favor. I know that my husband is a strong, devoted man and would do anything for his son. He spends every day working hard and when he is not at work he spends his day working hard applying for every job he is qualified for and spending quality time with his son. This is something I admire about him and I am very proud of him. I know how difficult this has been for him and I am so proud of him for being a great dad.
I have been struggling since I went back to work outside the home. I find myself permanently exhausted and drained. I know most of this is me and my strive for perfection but I have had trouble balancing stress, home/work/personal life. I want to do better.
Our financial situation is in dire straits. We are barely hanging on. I hope that things will turn around for us soon as I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to meet ends.
I know this post is scattered, not well written. I haven't slept in 3 nights. I've just felt the need to get my thoughts out. I'm scared and tired. I'm also trying to maintain hope and find every possible way to take care of the things that I have on my weighted shoulders.
This is real life. I am anxious for it to improve. I know that life throws your hurdles to jump over and these are tests but I am truly ready for the tests to give me a break. :)
I have been very lucky to recently marry a wonderful man and I feel blessed to have met him and now married him. I am so excited to have him as my life partner. He treats me wonderfully and while we struggle with life situations, we have a strong bond that allows us to work through our struggles.
We were both laid off in September and while he is still trying to find a permanent job he immediately jumped into a formerly part time job as full time so he could take care of his son. He knew how important it was to be able to provide for his son - provide insurance and child support.
We have been going through a very nasty child support battle with his ex and I can only hope that it will turn out in our favor. I know that my husband is a strong, devoted man and would do anything for his son. He spends every day working hard and when he is not at work he spends his day working hard applying for every job he is qualified for and spending quality time with his son. This is something I admire about him and I am very proud of him. I know how difficult this has been for him and I am so proud of him for being a great dad.
I have been struggling since I went back to work outside the home. I find myself permanently exhausted and drained. I know most of this is me and my strive for perfection but I have had trouble balancing stress, home/work/personal life. I want to do better.
Our financial situation is in dire straits. We are barely hanging on. I hope that things will turn around for us soon as I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to meet ends.
I know this post is scattered, not well written. I haven't slept in 3 nights. I've just felt the need to get my thoughts out. I'm scared and tired. I'm also trying to maintain hope and find every possible way to take care of the things that I have on my weighted shoulders.
This is real life. I am anxious for it to improve. I know that life throws your hurdles to jump over and these are tests but I am truly ready for the tests to give me a break. :)
Friday, September 19, 2014
Rose
Not sure if this story is true or not but it's a wonderful story and something we can all learn from...
The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn’t already know.
I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned round to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.
She said, “Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I’m eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?”
I laughed and enthusiastically responded, “Of course you may!” and she gave me a giant squeeze.
“Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?” I asked.
She jokingly replied, “I’m here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids…”
“No seriously,” I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.
“I always dreamed of having a college education and now I’m getting one!” she told me.
After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months, we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this “time machine” as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.
Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.
At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I’ll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium.
As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, “I’m sorry I’m so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I’ll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell
you what I know.”
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, “We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day.
You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.
We have so many people walking around who are dead and don’t even know it!There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.
If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don’t do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old.
If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.
Anybody can grow older. That doesn’t take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change.
Have no regrets.
The elderly usually don’t have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.”
She concluded her speech by courageously singing “The Rose.”
She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.
At the year’s end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.
I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned round to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.
She said, “Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I’m eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?”
I laughed and enthusiastically responded, “Of course you may!” and she gave me a giant squeeze.
“Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?” I asked.
She jokingly replied, “I’m here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids…”
“No seriously,” I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.
“I always dreamed of having a college education and now I’m getting one!” she told me.
After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months, we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this “time machine” as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.
Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.
At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I’ll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium.
As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, “I’m sorry I’m so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I’ll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell
you what I know.”
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, “We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day.
You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.
We have so many people walking around who are dead and don’t even know it!There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.
If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don’t do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old.
If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.
Anybody can grow older. That doesn’t take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change.
Have no regrets.
The elderly usually don’t have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets.”
She concluded her speech by courageously singing “The Rose.”
She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.
At the year’s end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.
Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it’s never too late to be all you can possibly be.
Lyrics to "The Rose":
"The Rose"
Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.
It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose.
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.
It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Exercises for Life Journey
As I mentioned in my previous post, I am currently reading, "Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself: 40 Ways to Transform Your Inner Critic and Your Life." This book has had some great exercises that I've wanted to complete and sometimes I feel like the most thorough way I can do something is to post it for everyone to see. It makes me feel as though I'm committing to what I'm writing here, I'm committing to my thoughts.
Exercise # 1: Make a list of all the qualities you value in yourself (important to note, these are not my "roles") -
Doing this exercise makes me realize how extremely hard it is to list these qualities. I feel like I look towards others to define them for me.
Exercise #2: Accept responsibility for your life (Stop making excuses and start making changes) -
Up until now I don't think I've accepted responsibility for my life. Not in a real way at least. I find myself in certain jobs, certain situations and I let myself stay in them, no matter how they make me feel. I've recently come to the conclusion that I only have one life to live and if I want to be happy, I'm going to have to do the work. I can't wait for it to come to me. I can't wait for my lotto numbers to win (though I'm going to keep playing!), I can't wait for some job opportunity to just out-of-nowhere present itself to me. I can't wait to see friends/family I love when it's convenient or when they're coming to me. I need to make all of these things happen for myself. I've just recently started doing it and it feels GREAT! It feels great to know that I have wonderful things to look forward to that I have put in place for myself!
Exercise #3: Social Media Allowance -
This will be hard. Social media puts pressure on all of us. It makes us feel that we don't measure up because we compare ourselves to everyone else. It also takes away from the quality of real communication. I love my Facebook, I even love myself some Twitter sometimes. Instagram, Goodreads, I love it all. This is going to be a new goal for myself, limit my social media time. I'll set a number of minutes per day that I'm permitted. I'm interested to see how this will change my interactions with others and how this will impact my day. Will I have more time to indulge in myself? Read? Take relaxing baths?
Exercise #4: Learn to be comfortable alone -
I think this is something so many of us struggle with. We all feel better when we know we have someone there who loves us. But we have to love ourselves first. I need to learn that when I'm by myself, I can enjoy myself and make myself happy. I don't need someone else to do that for me. It's WONDERFUL to have someone who I can be happy with but I don't want to depend on them for my happiness.
Exercise #5: Write down names of 5 people who inspire me, identify one positive quality of each and antonym -
From here I need to identify the opposite of each of these qualities and assume that I have them:
It's hard for me to assume that I have these qualities but I know I do at times. I know I cam be impatient, I know I can be lazy, I know I can be cold-hearted. By identifying these opposites it's helped me realize some poor qualities I have and that I want to avoid or work towards removing from my life.
Exercise #6: See myself beyond my roles -
I am not just a fiance, an account manager, a dog mother... I am so much more than all of these. Roles are different than qualities. I need to learn to see myself outside of the roles I take on throughout the day.
Exercise #7: Move beyond my masks -
I wear several masks. I wear one mask when I'm working, another when I'm with my dog, another when I'm with my fiance, another when I'm with my fiance's son, another when I'm with my family. Why do I wear all these different masks? I don't even realize I'm doing it. I need to slowly withdrawal these masks and find the "real" me that I can be without the need for masks.
Exercise #8: Challenge myself to be vulnerable -
There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable. I do not have to be strong all the time, I am allowed to be weak, I am allowed to cry. From that vulnerability I will learn more about my true self and the things that are important to me.
Exercise #9: Shadow
We all have a shadow, it's the side of our self that watches us constantly. It observes everything about us. What is my shadow trying to tell me? Is it trying to tell me to not overload myself so much? To relax more? To enjoy life more? I need to pay attention to that silent shadow which really speaks so loudly.
These are all goals for me to strive for. I may not meet them all, but they're ideas, good ideas to help me in my life's journey. I hope they give you thought as well and help if you're struggling with any of the above things mentioned. I'm excited to move forward keeping all of these in mind.
Exercise # 1: Make a list of all the qualities you value in yourself (important to note, these are not my "roles") -
- Kindness to others
- Patience
- Love of animals
- Love of family
- Love to read and learn
- Honesty
- My "drive"/motivation
Doing this exercise makes me realize how extremely hard it is to list these qualities. I feel like I look towards others to define them for me.
Exercise #2: Accept responsibility for your life (Stop making excuses and start making changes) -
Up until now I don't think I've accepted responsibility for my life. Not in a real way at least. I find myself in certain jobs, certain situations and I let myself stay in them, no matter how they make me feel. I've recently come to the conclusion that I only have one life to live and if I want to be happy, I'm going to have to do the work. I can't wait for it to come to me. I can't wait for my lotto numbers to win (though I'm going to keep playing!), I can't wait for some job opportunity to just out-of-nowhere present itself to me. I can't wait to see friends/family I love when it's convenient or when they're coming to me. I need to make all of these things happen for myself. I've just recently started doing it and it feels GREAT! It feels great to know that I have wonderful things to look forward to that I have put in place for myself!
Exercise #3: Social Media Allowance -
This will be hard. Social media puts pressure on all of us. It makes us feel that we don't measure up because we compare ourselves to everyone else. It also takes away from the quality of real communication. I love my Facebook, I even love myself some Twitter sometimes. Instagram, Goodreads, I love it all. This is going to be a new goal for myself, limit my social media time. I'll set a number of minutes per day that I'm permitted. I'm interested to see how this will change my interactions with others and how this will impact my day. Will I have more time to indulge in myself? Read? Take relaxing baths?
Exercise #4: Learn to be comfortable alone -
I think this is something so many of us struggle with. We all feel better when we know we have someone there who loves us. But we have to love ourselves first. I need to learn that when I'm by myself, I can enjoy myself and make myself happy. I don't need someone else to do that for me. It's WONDERFUL to have someone who I can be happy with but I don't want to depend on them for my happiness.
Exercise #5: Write down names of 5 people who inspire me, identify one positive quality of each and antonym -
- My mom - patience
- My dad - work ethic
- My sister - motivation
- Martin Luther King, Jr. - commitment
- My aunt - compassion
From here I need to identify the opposite of each of these qualities and assume that I have them:
- Impatient
- Poor work ethic (don't care about work)
- Laziness
- Irresponsibility
- cold heartedness
It's hard for me to assume that I have these qualities but I know I do at times. I know I cam be impatient, I know I can be lazy, I know I can be cold-hearted. By identifying these opposites it's helped me realize some poor qualities I have and that I want to avoid or work towards removing from my life.
Exercise #6: See myself beyond my roles -
I am not just a fiance, an account manager, a dog mother... I am so much more than all of these. Roles are different than qualities. I need to learn to see myself outside of the roles I take on throughout the day.
Exercise #7: Move beyond my masks -
I wear several masks. I wear one mask when I'm working, another when I'm with my dog, another when I'm with my fiance, another when I'm with my fiance's son, another when I'm with my family. Why do I wear all these different masks? I don't even realize I'm doing it. I need to slowly withdrawal these masks and find the "real" me that I can be without the need for masks.
Exercise #8: Challenge myself to be vulnerable -
There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable. I do not have to be strong all the time, I am allowed to be weak, I am allowed to cry. From that vulnerability I will learn more about my true self and the things that are important to me.
Exercise #9: Shadow
We all have a shadow, it's the side of our self that watches us constantly. It observes everything about us. What is my shadow trying to tell me? Is it trying to tell me to not overload myself so much? To relax more? To enjoy life more? I need to pay attention to that silent shadow which really speaks so loudly.
These are all goals for me to strive for. I may not meet them all, but they're ideas, good ideas to help me in my life's journey. I hope they give you thought as well and help if you're struggling with any of the above things mentioned. I'm excited to move forward keeping all of these in mind.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Depression
Yes, I suffer from depression. And anxiety and who knows what else. It's miserable, it's awful. And most people who claim they understand it really don't unless they've actually experienced it.
Currently I'm going through a terrible "bout." I've gone through my ups and downs my entire life but I haven't experienced one like this since probably college. I've experienced bad ones since college but I've always managed to pull through. I probably haven't pulled through in the best way possible but I've gotten through them. This one is proving more difficult. I don't know if it's because I'm older, I don't know if my medical "cocktail" is off. But this one is tough. I DESPISE admitting to this. I hate for anyone to know what I'm going through except for those closest to me. I hate for anyone to think of me as weak, negative, unable to handle things, unhappy. There are so many other characteristics that I don't want people to associate with me. But the truth is that at this point, people probably do think of me that way. I know I currently think of myself that way. I'm not sure if these are all negative things and now I don't mind sharing it. I think it's important for people to know what goes on in the mind of someone who has depression.
I have no idea how to get out of this umbrella of depression and anxiety. It hangs over me ALL of the time. I go through really good periods. I have really good days. Even now I'll have a really good day and I'll think I'm getting through this and then a bad day will hit me and I'm down for the count. I'm pissed to be honest. I have so much anger at myself that it overcomes me. Why, why, why do I have to be this way? Why do I think the way I do? Why can't I just frickin snap out of it? I recognize when I'm doing something that hurts me or is negative. I just don't know how to stop. For example: yesterday and today. Everything's bad. Everything's negative. I know, deep down, that's not the truth. I know I have so many positive things in my life. I don't know how to make myself see the positive more than the negative. I read book after book on how to see positively. Try to surround myself with quotes and positive thoughts. F-it, it doesn't work! I still end up crying every day. Many people say that depression is chemical. Well, I'm on so many medications that anything chemical should be fixed! How can it not be me?!?! (Moment for clarification: I know a LOT about depression. I KNOW that my meds may need some adjusting, I KNOW that it's not all me and there's some messed up chemicals in me that are contributing but the frustration is OVERWHELMING and I write that in caps so you can fully see how overwhelming it is to me.)
I am so not looking for a pity-party. I've been dealing with this since I was in high school (probably earlier). And I'm working closely with my therapist and psychiatrist. I've considered hospitalization but I'm not Lindsey Lohan or some other celebrity and even a regular hospital on a "psych" ward is going to cost me thousands of dollars with my insurance. I can't imagine if I had the money to go to some fancy rehab and take a break for a couple of weeks (a month!) and get the rest I probably need and get my meds up to par and really cope with what's going on. Not to mention I would need my own personal assistant to keep my bills paid and keep my life from collapsing while I was gone. I just want people to get it. I just want people to understand that I'm not purposely trying to be lazy (I HATE being lazy and it makes me furious with myself that I don't have the energy to do the things that I want or need to do). I'm not purposely avoiding phone calls or emails (I WANT to call you and email you but what am I going to say!?!? I'm miserable?!?? You're going to tell me all the great things going on in your life and I'm barely going to be able to say "Uh huh."). I'm definitely not trying to slack at work. I literally don't have the energy, the will power, the stamina or the guts to put up with some of my work stuff. I will cry if I have to talk to certain customers again. And I HATE that. I don't want that to be me.
I have a vision of myself that is opposite all of the things I am right at this moment. Every now and then I'll get a gust of momentum but it will last maybe half-an-hour and then I'm exhausted. I'm physically and mentally drained. I'll look at everything that is weighing on my shoulders and I'll think to myself, "I simply can't do it." All I want is to curl back under my blanket and hide and sleep. It's comfy there. And if I sleep I won't have to think about how mad I am at myself. I won't have to worry about how this isn't the Shannon I know I can be.
Worst of all, I worry about the people around me. The people who bend over backwards to help me. The people who care about me. I want to be feel better for them too. I worry I'm bringing them down. I worry that me being around them is going to bring them down to my level. Again, I know deep down that is their choice. I worry about all the things these people do for me and I can't give anything back. I can't even show them my happiness. Instead they see more tears, more negativity.
There was that commercial for an antidepressant, Cymbalta, and it had a wooden doll and said, "Depression hurts." I used to laugh at that commercial. I laughed because I was feeling good then. And I'm on the medication!!!!! I'm not laughing now. It does hurt. It's always hurt.
I will never give up. I've always been extremely passionate about mental illness, even when I was feeling good. I'm a fighter. It may not seem like I am right now. But inside, I know I'm fighting. Writing this is a fight. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to stop typing. Just writing this takes immense energy. Everything I do, no matter how simple it may seem is a fight for me. I've gotten through up to now and I'll continue to.
Thank you for reading. :)
Currently I'm going through a terrible "bout." I've gone through my ups and downs my entire life but I haven't experienced one like this since probably college. I've experienced bad ones since college but I've always managed to pull through. I probably haven't pulled through in the best way possible but I've gotten through them. This one is proving more difficult. I don't know if it's because I'm older, I don't know if my medical "cocktail" is off. But this one is tough. I DESPISE admitting to this. I hate for anyone to know what I'm going through except for those closest to me. I hate for anyone to think of me as weak, negative, unable to handle things, unhappy. There are so many other characteristics that I don't want people to associate with me. But the truth is that at this point, people probably do think of me that way. I know I currently think of myself that way. I'm not sure if these are all negative things and now I don't mind sharing it. I think it's important for people to know what goes on in the mind of someone who has depression.
I have no idea how to get out of this umbrella of depression and anxiety. It hangs over me ALL of the time. I go through really good periods. I have really good days. Even now I'll have a really good day and I'll think I'm getting through this and then a bad day will hit me and I'm down for the count. I'm pissed to be honest. I have so much anger at myself that it overcomes me. Why, why, why do I have to be this way? Why do I think the way I do? Why can't I just frickin snap out of it? I recognize when I'm doing something that hurts me or is negative. I just don't know how to stop. For example: yesterday and today. Everything's bad. Everything's negative. I know, deep down, that's not the truth. I know I have so many positive things in my life. I don't know how to make myself see the positive more than the negative. I read book after book on how to see positively. Try to surround myself with quotes and positive thoughts. F-it, it doesn't work! I still end up crying every day. Many people say that depression is chemical. Well, I'm on so many medications that anything chemical should be fixed! How can it not be me?!?! (Moment for clarification: I know a LOT about depression. I KNOW that my meds may need some adjusting, I KNOW that it's not all me and there's some messed up chemicals in me that are contributing but the frustration is OVERWHELMING and I write that in caps so you can fully see how overwhelming it is to me.)
I am so not looking for a pity-party. I've been dealing with this since I was in high school (probably earlier). And I'm working closely with my therapist and psychiatrist. I've considered hospitalization but I'm not Lindsey Lohan or some other celebrity and even a regular hospital on a "psych" ward is going to cost me thousands of dollars with my insurance. I can't imagine if I had the money to go to some fancy rehab and take a break for a couple of weeks (a month!) and get the rest I probably need and get my meds up to par and really cope with what's going on. Not to mention I would need my own personal assistant to keep my bills paid and keep my life from collapsing while I was gone. I just want people to get it. I just want people to understand that I'm not purposely trying to be lazy (I HATE being lazy and it makes me furious with myself that I don't have the energy to do the things that I want or need to do). I'm not purposely avoiding phone calls or emails (I WANT to call you and email you but what am I going to say!?!? I'm miserable?!?? You're going to tell me all the great things going on in your life and I'm barely going to be able to say "Uh huh."). I'm definitely not trying to slack at work. I literally don't have the energy, the will power, the stamina or the guts to put up with some of my work stuff. I will cry if I have to talk to certain customers again. And I HATE that. I don't want that to be me.
I have a vision of myself that is opposite all of the things I am right at this moment. Every now and then I'll get a gust of momentum but it will last maybe half-an-hour and then I'm exhausted. I'm physically and mentally drained. I'll look at everything that is weighing on my shoulders and I'll think to myself, "I simply can't do it." All I want is to curl back under my blanket and hide and sleep. It's comfy there. And if I sleep I won't have to think about how mad I am at myself. I won't have to worry about how this isn't the Shannon I know I can be.
Worst of all, I worry about the people around me. The people who bend over backwards to help me. The people who care about me. I want to be feel better for them too. I worry I'm bringing them down. I worry that me being around them is going to bring them down to my level. Again, I know deep down that is their choice. I worry about all the things these people do for me and I can't give anything back. I can't even show them my happiness. Instead they see more tears, more negativity.
There was that commercial for an antidepressant, Cymbalta, and it had a wooden doll and said, "Depression hurts." I used to laugh at that commercial. I laughed because I was feeling good then. And I'm on the medication!!!!! I'm not laughing now. It does hurt. It's always hurt.
I will never give up. I've always been extremely passionate about mental illness, even when I was feeling good. I'm a fighter. It may not seem like I am right now. But inside, I know I'm fighting. Writing this is a fight. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to stop typing. Just writing this takes immense energy. Everything I do, no matter how simple it may seem is a fight for me. I've gotten through up to now and I'll continue to.
Thank you for reading. :)
Monday, February 25, 2013
I'm 35
I'm 35. Most of the time I don't feel 35 but then there are times when I really, really feel 35. Two weeks ago Rob's mother died at the young age of 58. My coworker Cari's neighbor died at the young age of 46. And Joe's parents have been in Florida, his Dad sick with pneumonia in the ICU.
I have literally been overcome lately with a sense that death is at my backdoor and I must do something about it. I can no longer sit and wait for things to change, I must do something and I must do it quickly before I run out of time.
I know this all sounds morbid. I have literally been losing sleep at night with anxiety. I feel like if I don't make a change soon I will run out of time. I know how I am. I HATE change, I DESPISE it. But if I don't do something now, while I'm willing to make the changes, then what will happen? I know I won't die tomorrow. But will I die eventually and look back and regret things? I know some of those things on my list are small, petty - advanced directives, will. I mean, probably not even necessary. What I should have on that list is BABY. I mean, that biological clock isn't going to run forever.
I know I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way. I look at many of my friends who are in their 30s with kids, a beautiful home, jobs that are at least paying the bills. I'm so happy for them. I know they have their issues too, by no means am I comparing sob stories. I just feel like 35 came so quickly and I have nothing to show for it. No house, no family, no awesome job, lots of debt though! :)
Maybe it's not the death that's hitting me hard, maybe it's just the age, maybe I'm going through a mid-thirties crisis. Does that exist? Whatever it is, it sucks.
I have literally been overcome lately with a sense that death is at my backdoor and I must do something about it. I can no longer sit and wait for things to change, I must do something and I must do it quickly before I run out of time.
- I must go see my parents right away and I need to visit more often.
- I need to spend more time with my sister.
- I need to change my future. Job. Money. Debt.
- I need to write advanced directives, and a will.
- I need to eat better, much better. And damn it, exercise Shannon. Take fricking care of yourself.
- What is going on with my IRA? Figure it out.
- Stop spending a fortune on health insurance. You can research it more, you can find something better.
- Stop being miserable in a job. Find a job that makes you happy. Other people have done it, you can do it to. There is absolutely no reason you can't make money from a job that makes you happy.
- Go out and enjoy life. Stop cooping yourself up in the house when there are friends out there and life is out there.
I know this all sounds morbid. I have literally been losing sleep at night with anxiety. I feel like if I don't make a change soon I will run out of time. I know how I am. I HATE change, I DESPISE it. But if I don't do something now, while I'm willing to make the changes, then what will happen? I know I won't die tomorrow. But will I die eventually and look back and regret things? I know some of those things on my list are small, petty - advanced directives, will. I mean, probably not even necessary. What I should have on that list is BABY. I mean, that biological clock isn't going to run forever.
I know I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way. I look at many of my friends who are in their 30s with kids, a beautiful home, jobs that are at least paying the bills. I'm so happy for them. I know they have their issues too, by no means am I comparing sob stories. I just feel like 35 came so quickly and I have nothing to show for it. No house, no family, no awesome job, lots of debt though! :)
Maybe it's not the death that's hitting me hard, maybe it's just the age, maybe I'm going through a mid-thirties crisis. Does that exist? Whatever it is, it sucks.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Breaking Out of my Shell
Fear paralyzes me and I let it. I can't decide whether this statement makes me angry with myself or disappointed in myself- or both. But I know it's true. I see all the things that people around me are doing and it excites me. My head fills with ideas of things that I can do for myself or I can do for others, but that's where it ends. All ideas. Nothing comes to fruition because I get scared. When I start thinking about what might actually be involved to get me where I need to be, I freak out. And it's easier to just stay where I am. I know I'm not happy where I am, but it's easier.
Why do I do this? Am I afraid that if I try something it won't work? Am I afraid that I'll get hurt? I think it's both of these things. I think I'm afraid of failure. I think I'm afraid of really putting myself out there. I'm afraid of change. I like to know my surroundings. While I'm intrigued by the idea of going out there and trying something new, it's so much easier and more comforting to stay with what I know.
I think about how many people are stuck like I am. And then I think about how many people have broken out and said, "screw this." They've stepped out of their shells, looked past the fear and taken life in their hands. I'm so anxious to get to that point. I don't know what's holding me back but I want to get to that place where I say "screw this" and I take my life into my own hands.
Why do I do this? Am I afraid that if I try something it won't work? Am I afraid that I'll get hurt? I think it's both of these things. I think I'm afraid of failure. I think I'm afraid of really putting myself out there. I'm afraid of change. I like to know my surroundings. While I'm intrigued by the idea of going out there and trying something new, it's so much easier and more comforting to stay with what I know.
I think about how many people are stuck like I am. And then I think about how many people have broken out and said, "screw this." They've stepped out of their shells, looked past the fear and taken life in their hands. I'm so anxious to get to that point. I don't know what's holding me back but I want to get to that place where I say "screw this" and I take my life into my own hands.
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