"Authentic" Self

I recently had an incredibly intriguing conversation with a coworker who made me question my authentic self. UGH! The conversation was amazing but it left me frustrated, confused and slightly depressed.

When was the last time I had been my "authentic" self? Who was my "authentic" self? Have I ever seen my "authentic" self? I really began thinking about it... Thinking about the things I enjoy most, the intense feelings I get, the desires I have. They scared me. Some of them were fun but others were not quite appropriate by this society's norms. My coworker said it was normal. I felt funny about it. I could accept that might be the "authentic" me. No, the "authentic" me is a superhero who does everything for everyone. It couldn't be right. I know what I want to be.

But alas, I don't think what I "want" to be is who I really am. I think I wear so many masks and I've worn so many masks for SO many years that I have no idea what I really "want" and who I "really" am. What a conundrum. And what a stressor! I'm nearing 40, how have I not figured this out yet?!?!? Is there something wrong with me? Is everyone else being their "authentic" self and I'm the only one that's not? Or is everyone wearing non-stop masks like me - in which case, how sad for all of us. Are we ever happy if we're always wearing masks?

I wear a mask at work so everyone will like me and think I'm capable at what I do. I wear a mask in the car so I won't cuss out other drivers. I wear a mask with my family so they'll see what a good person I've become, despite what I put them through in the past. I wear a mask with my husband so I can keep him happy. I wear a mask with my stepson so I can stay his friend. I wear a mask with my frickin' dog sometimes so that he'll know I love him and I'm not frustrated with him. I wear a mask in therapy. I wear a mask at every doctor's office. I wear a mask literally with every person I know so I can act as expected.

I remember a time (and maybe this had to do with alcohol), when I was silly. I'd do the goofiest things. I'd dance, I'd sing, I'd skip. I was rebellious. I had fun. It's not that I'm not enjoying myself now but where did that person go? Does it happen as you age? You realize these things are no longer acceptable? Crap, acceptable by whom?

The more I thought about this the more anxious I felt. I still feel anxious? Do I want to live like this? But if I don't live like this, what will happen to me? Will I be alone forever? Will everyone hate me? Will people think I'm crazy? Will I not fit in? And then I ask myself - are these things really important to me? I honestly have no clue. This is the first time I've put deep thought into this idea of my "authentic" self. Of course I've touched on it in therapy but I've always avoided it because it scares me.

So, coworker, thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes to this. However, I do not thank you for making me now have to deal with this inner struggle. Shit, who am I kidding? It's a struggle I needed to have eventually, but now, what the hell to do with it?