The Golden Door

Two weeks ago I was in Yoga Nidra and guided through a beautiful, peaceful journey in my head.

There is much I cannot remember but the following sticks out prominently and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for the past two weeks.

I am asked to envision a golden door which I must open and travel through. This golden door is ornate and heavy. Just by looking at it I can feel its importance.

On the other side of the golden door there is a beautiful meadow of pure green grass, birds, butterflies. The grass is so soft I can lay on it or walk on it and it won't itch my bare skin.

I see a lake in the distance and there are two children playing in the grass on the side of the lake. They are angelic - in my vision I see a blond hair, blue eyed boy and a blond hair, blue eyed girl, both dressed in white.

I am drawn to them, I want to play with them, I want to talk to them. When I reach them I realize they are not regular children, they are fairies, they have the slightest, shimmery wings on their backs. I am drawn to them now even more.

As I come up to them and ask them if I can play they tell me that they have something very important to tell me. There is silence. I realize that my teacher has stopped talking. I realize that I am supposed to determine what these children want to tell me. In my mind, I immediately think, "Strive for happiness and goodness. Stop wasting your life on things that make you unhappy. You only have so much time on this Earth, use it doing what makes you happy."

I am shocked. The teacher starts talking again and states that the children go on playing and you walk back through the meadow and through your gold door.

Had I known this all along? Had I known this was what I needed to hear? I realize that of course I have told myself this and this has come from my subconscious. To this day I still think of this and think of how I can make my life better, happier. I can still see the fairy children by the lake, I can still see the meadow, the gold door. It is my reminder to keep working towards what the children told me - happiness is what I must attain.

(Please note - I know some of you will turn this into some pervy thing because I want to play with kids, etc. HA HA, I get it. I also realize someone who has never done Yoga Nidra (or mindful thinking) may think this whole thing is weird. And finally, my pictures aren't 100% accurate to what I saw - it was the best I could find on the Internet. :) I felt the need to share this because we all know in our heart of hearts what we need, what we want. I'm so grateful that I continue to remember what I told myself in that deep state of yoga sleep.

I'm 35

I'm 35. Most of the time I don't feel 35 but then there are times when I really, really feel 35. Two weeks ago Rob's mother died at the young age of 58. My coworker Cari's neighbor died at the young age of 46. And Joe's parents have been in Florida, his Dad sick with pneumonia in the ICU.

I have literally been overcome lately with a sense that death is at my backdoor and I must do something about it. I can no longer sit and wait for things to change, I must do something and I must do it quickly before I run out of time.

• I must go see my parents right away and I need to visit more often.
• I need to spend more time with my sister. 
• I need to change my future. Job. Money. Debt.
• I need to write advanced directives, and a will. 
• I need to eat better, much better. And damn it, exercise Shannon. Take fricking care of yourself.
• What is going on with my IRA? Figure it out.
• Stop spending a fortune on health insurance. You can research it more, you can find something better.
• Stop being miserable in a job. Find a job that makes you happy. Other people have done it, you can do it to. There is absolutely no reason you can't make money from a job that makes you happy.
• Go out and enjoy life. Stop cooping yourself up in the house when there are friends out there and life is out there.

I know this all sounds morbid. I have literally been losing sleep at night with anxiety. I feel like if I don't make a change soon I will run out of time. I know how I am. I HATE change, I DESPISE it. But if I don't do something now, while I'm willing to make the changes, then what will happen? I know I won't die tomorrow. But will I die eventually and look back and regret things? I know some of those things on my list are small, petty - advanced directives, will. I mean, probably not even necessary. What I should have on that list is BABY. I mean, that biological clock isn't going to run forever.

I know I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way. I look at many of my friends who are in their 30s with kids, a beautiful home, jobs that are at least paying the bills. I'm so happy for them. I know they have their issues too, by no means am I comparing sob stories. I just feel like 35 came so quickly and I have nothing to show for it. No house, no family, no awesome job, lots of debt though! :)

Maybe it's not the death that's hitting me hard, maybe it's just the age, maybe I'm going through a mid-thirties crisis. Does that exist? Whatever it is, it sucks.

Cinderella Endings

I have absolutely no doubt that the reason I loved (and still love) Disney movies is because they had the best happily-ever-after endings. Cinderella cleaned and hemmed for her cruel stepsisters, but she went to a beautiful ball and got the handsome prince in the end. Snow White had the awful Queen to deal with but then she found seven hard-working dwarves and even when she ate the poisonous apple a handsome prince rescued her! Disney even gave us Enchanted – taking place in NYC, not even fully animated! – and she still had happy animals that she talked to and sang to, who helped her with the cleaning (and she got the perfect man in the end)!

I love Disney movies, but they have truly done a number on my outlook of life. Why can’t my life be a Disney movie? When I have tons of cleaning to do why can’t some cute little birdies come and fly in the window and help me? When I have a difficult decision to make, why doesn’t my fairy godmother appear and tell me what I need to do and assure me that everything will be all right? When my stomach hurts because I’ve eaten some bad food or I have indigestion (or whatever else it may be), why can’t I be laying on a beautiful bed in the forest with flowers surrounding me and talking animals and a beautiful, rich, handsome man kisses me and I suddenly feel better (please don’t take this personal hubby – I’m trying to make a point!)?

Dagnab it, why isn’t life a Disney movie? Well, I guess that’s why Pixar came around… Someone finally realized – hey, that’s not real-life. Real-life is monsters in closets, loving wives passing away, our dear Earth turning into a trash bin, a father raising his son on his own… and I love Pixar. I love Pixar for the reality of their movies and for still having a happy ending at the end. Because even though life is tough and even though I have to clean and I have tough decisions to make and my stomach doesn’t always feel good, I can still find a happily-ever-after.

Life can be just luscious.