"These 20 Questions Will Improve Your Self-Awareness"

I'm taking this from an article that a friend sent, which you can find at the following link:

http://dariusforoux.com/selfawareness/

I'm going to give it a stab and see if I can learn a bit more about myself! :)

1. What am I good at? I'm good at listening, I'm good at my job, I'm good at caring about others, I'm detail-oriented
2. What am I so-so at? Exercising, eating well, budgeting
3. What am I bad at? Relaxing!
4. What makes me tired? Stress makes me exhausted. Fighting.
5. What is the most important thing in my life? Happiness
6. Who are the most important people in my life? My family, friends, my dog!
7. How much sleep do I need? Lately, 8 hours.
8. What stresses me out? Easily stressed by too many obligations, tight deadlines, money, conflicts with others
9. What relaxes me? Yoga, reading, watching movies/TV
10. What’s my definition of success? Being happy! Being financially stable, in a job I enjoy. 
11. What type of worker am I? Very hard worker! 
12. How do I want others to see me? I want others to see me as a kind, understanding, happy, dedicated person.
13. What makes me sad? When I fight with those I love, when I feel like I'm losing control, when others are in pain
14. What makes me happy? Feeling like I have succeeded at something, being with my family, spending time with my husband, my dog
15. What makes me angry? Other people most of the time! If I feel someone is trying to be difficult or is making a situation difficult. Myself - I definitely get angry at myself!
16. What type of person do I want to be? I want to be the person that others can count on. I want to be stable and feel good about myself.
17. What type of friend do I want to be? Reliable, always there for you.
18. What do I think about myself? I think I'm still a work in progress. I have good things but there are still a lot of things I need to improve on.
19. What things do I value in life? I value family, relationships, giving back.
20. What makes me afraid? Change, I hate change. Money scares me. The feeling that I may not succeed at something.

I tried to not over think this as I answered the questions as that is something I have a tendency to do. I wanted to give my immediate thoughts and see what I came up with. I see a lot of consistency. I want to be everything to everyone but I don't necessarily think about myself. Interesting... The post says I shouldn't interpret my responses. I should just start working on the things that I said I'm bad at and try to improve my life. I think that's much easier said (written) than done! I do like the idea of immediately doing the things I identify that make me happy! :)

"Defying Gravity"

Lately I've been struggling. I've been struggling with several aspects of adult life: money, work, balancing work and home, enjoyment. I'm depressed. I feel like I'll never get it right. I've been struggling with these things for as long as I can remember and I still can't figure it out. I'm nearing 40 and I need to make changes. I know anyone who's read my posts can see that this is a common theme for me. I always say I need to make changes and I never actually make them. I'm scared. I'm scared to make the changes I need to make. I'm scared of not succeeding. My fear cripples me. I become so stressed and experience so much anxiety that I feel it's easier to just stay where I'm at. But, that's not working anymore. 

I'm struggling financially. The most I've ever struggled. I am unable to pay bills. I have never, in my life, NOT paid a bill. This scares me. I've never been so negative in my bank account, I've never had my savings wiped clean. There is literally no where else I can turn to find more money. I'm making every effort to find part-time jobs to supplement my financial struggle and I've filed my taxes in hopes that the refund I receive will at last bring me back to positive. I'm scared to death. My finances create so much stress for me and I have a horrible handle on it. I'm so organized, so detail-oriented, and I can't get a handle on my finances. 

I'm beginning to wonder what I'm meant to do. I'm running against walls at my job. I strongly believe in the company I work for but the politics make it so difficult for us to achieve what I believe we should be achieving. This disappoints me. Important issues are left unaddressed and ignored. Money seems to be the driving factor. I want more. I want to feel like I can really make a difference and truly believe in what I'm doing. 

So, I have a plan. Well, a tentative plan. I hope I can make it work and not let my fear overcome me. 

Budget. I've outlined income and expenses. I plan on sitting down with my husband (who is extremely supportive and has taken a job doing something he does not love just to bring in money) and mapping out how we can pay our hefty debt. 
Life Dreams. I want to sit down with my husband and talk about what we really want. What are our hopes and dreams? What do we want for ourselves and how can we make that happen? I want to create a plan. I don't want us to continue to be miserable with "getting by." I want more for us. 

I hope my drive right now to do these things will stick. I hope I don't give hope or lose sight. I hope I don't get too scared and just "carry on" as things are. 

I love the book and show "Wicked." When I think about what I want to do I think about the following lyrics from the song, "Defying Gravity." I want to defy gravity in my life.


"Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!"

Read more:  Wicked - Defying Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

"It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!"

Read more:  Wicked - Defying Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

"I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!"

Read more:  Wicked - Defying Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

"So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

Read more:  Wicked - Defying Gravity Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

My gravity is myself. I hold myself down. I'm looking for the strength to defy my own gravity and live my life the way I want. 

2:15 AM

So, you know those people that have trouble sleeping? I'm one of them. Unless it's the weekend. Sunday - Thursday though, I'm too anxious to fall asleep. Tonight is slightly different. I got home from work a little after 8pm (after getting there at 7:45am) and still had a million work projects to get completed. I have been behind for weeks and I'm desperately trying to catch up. So, I just finished. I got as much done as I could without being able to use my LogMeIn app. Of course I'll have more to do tomorrow but I really don't want to have to work this weekend. At this point I'm wondering if I just stay up? I have to get up really early tomorrow morning to stop at the store and get a special treat for one of my staff that is leaving. OR do I try to fall asleep for less than 4 hours? Ugh, I don't know. I'm afraid if I go to sleep I won't be able to wake up (daily problem) and then I'll be running late in the morning, which I hate.

So, let's be grateful, because that's what I'm forcing myself to be...

Work:
1. There may be a position opening up in a few months that I'm very interested in!
2. That two of my clients didn't follow through on punching me or killing me.
3. That I was able to move my desk just for the day and sit to do my work.

Life:
1. That no one close to me, especially a child, has been diagnosed with cancer. I feel like it's all I hear about and when it comes to children, it breaks my heart. (Of course it breaks my hear for everyone!)
2. That my husband's prospects are looking promising for a new job!
3. Having a good book to read. Always a dilemma, I can stay up reading too, and I'm so close to the end!

Bad Mood

I am in an incredibly bad mood. I feel like I am working my ass off and I keep getting further and further behind. I'm so exhausted that I can't even face the work towering over me.

I try not to, but I inevitably work longer hours than I should. And then I bring work home with the hope that I can catch up, but I'm so tired when I get home, I just can't do it. And every day more and more and more is piled on.

I feel like I'm constantly at the end of my rope but I keep slugging along. Right now, I can't decide if I want to cry or yell - I'm both insanely sad and incredibly angry.

I keep telling myself that with time, this will get better. Everything passes. I need to think positive, it's just really, really hard to do. And I feel like my buttons are getting pushed all the damn time. It's hard for me to hold it together.

And you know what? I think it's ridiculous for people to have to share an office where there is only room for one office chair so I stand up and type at my computer and in the meantime my foot gets run over by the office chair! It's not my office mate's fault! We'd have plenty of room, and we did before, if IT would get the re-cabling done and put our offices back together. I can't work like that! I have NO ROOM!

Ok, so I'm going to force myself to do it...

3 work things I'm grateful for today:
1. My client was in a good mood as I spent 3 hours with her
2. I got to physically leave the office early. Even if I was out in the field until late and didn't get required work completely, I got to get out of the office.
3. I got to the courthouse just in time to submit paperwork for a client.

3 things I'm grateful for today (outside of work)...
1. That I have a GREAT dog.
2. That I actually got to walk my dog when I got home from work today.
3. That I was able to deposit a check I received from my parents which will help me get through the month.

Things I learned in therapy today....

Your mind can be a vicious creature.
Sometimes you need a good, good cry.
You need to accept your emotions.
It's not good to block your emotions.
Stop being so critical of yourself.
Take care of yourself.
Sometimes your mind won't cooperate with what you want.
Sometimes you can't convince yourself.
Sometimes it takes a LOT of work.
I hope I can handle the work it's going to take.

A coworker of mine shared an article with me that it's good to write down 3 things you're grateful for at work each day. Many struggle in their jobs but if you take the time to think of 3 positive things, it will make you feel better, no matter what those things are. Here are mine for today:
1. I was able to get valuable feedback on how to help a client.
2. I was able to present a client summary during a meeting, despite my anxiety.
3. I was able to leave the office to attend my therapy appointment.

While I'm at it (and I've tried and failed at this several times before), I'm going to list the things I'm grateful for today:
1. I have a husband who truly cares.
2. I have a husband who cooks dinner.
3. I have a husband who offers to fix my lunch in the morning.

9-5

Why, oh why, must I wait at least 30 more years to retire? And why did I not choose an occupation like teacher where I could at least have summers off? I am kicking myself now!

I must admit that I have a lot of flexibility with my current job. I work from home. In fact, I can work from pretty much anywhere. I am currently at my parents' house in South Carolina. I am looking out over the 18th hole at Shaftesbury Glen and while I can't say I have any desire to go golfing, I would love to be at the beach or at the outlets, or sitting outside reading a book. Unfortunately, my job does require that I sit at the ready with a phone and laptop nearby.

So, why didn't I choose a career in teaching that would let me have my summers off? Or at least part of my summer off? (I have many friends who are teachers and they do remind me that they frequently have to work on the summers.) I'm a scaredy-cat. The idea of having to stand in front of a class of more-than-likely ill-behaved children scared the crap out of me. And I LOVE kids. But I imagined myself in a school with an uncontrollable group of children and it overwhelmed me. I often wonder if I made a mistake.

This brings me to retirement. Why don't we get retirement when we're younger and then we can work when we're older? I know you have to save for retirement and earn your retirement but let's pretend those silly logistics weren't really an issue. i would much rather have my retirement now and enjoy it when I was younger and physically able. When I'm 60, then let me sit in an office chair all day at a computer. I realize that not everyone has the type of job that I do, many people have jobs that require physical labor, blah, blah, blah. I'm thinking about myself here. Me, me, me. I want it now! And you're lying if you say you don't think this way sometimes too.

I suppose I could just not work at all. Ha ha! I wish! But oh, how I dream of the lifestyle - to get up and go as I wish. To create my own daily schedule which can change at a whim depending on what strikes my fancy. To have time to do the things I want to do, in addition to the things I need to do. To go to the beach if it's a nice day out. To go sit outside and read a book.

Wouldn't it be just luscious?
Shannon